No greater blessing than to receive this from your son:

“I love you mom, and I feel like one thing that separates me from others is my value system coupled with my willingness to stand up for what I think is right no matter the situation. I feel like you have bestowed on me not just a sound moral value system, but strong will-power to stand up for what is right, and to fearlessly speak my truth at all times.”

Thank you for being my mother, and for continuing to do so. It may not seem like it sometimes, but I am very happy to have chosen you.”

On this eve of Thanksgiving, I am deeply blessed to have been given the opportunity to nurture two incredibly beautiful Souls; Matthew and Ryan Hickney.

They are my legacy.

And from 1988

Life has changed ……….. again ………

Matt is in California and will come home for a couple of days around Christmas. I miss him so much. His depth of Spirit has always been so challenging…. and so inspiring.

I’ve always walked to the beat of my own drum.

And for a long time now, our family’s Thanksgiving has been unique.

I don’t cook very often any more – never really enjoyed cooking that much.

Ryan’s Thanksgiving wish is for me to cook. And since he hates turkey and loves my tuna casserole, we are going to have tuna casserole and maybe see a movie.

The ebb and flow of Life continues…..

I’m wondering what happened to me. I know I need to move on professionally. For whatever reason, I haven’t.

There was a time in my life when I just did what had to be done.

I left an abusive home at 16. Supported myself until I married at 26. Divorcing at 33, I moved back to CA and reentered the job market after having been out of it for more than 5 years.

Single, with two very young children, only a few college credits under my belt, I realized very quickly that California wasn’t going to be a good place to raise my sons. So I bought a new car, sold my condo, quit my job and moved to Seattle after having been offered an opportunity to rent a friend’s house.

Yes – in that order.

I had no family in Seattle, no job, two very young sons and $12K in the bank. I was absolutely fearless.

I found a job within 3 months and have moved steadily forward in both professional responsibility and salary in the health care administration and financing industry.

I have learned so much about our country’s health care ’system’.

I have learned more about myself.

I now find myself in an intense internal struggle.

The company I work for professes to be committed to the community and to transforming health care – but their actions do not reflect their words.

How do I reconcile my personal need to make a difference within an environment where the leaders are not focused on their professed Cause? Their egos drive their decisions. There is no long-term strategic thinking or planning.

So much potential…..

Why can’t I bring myself to just walk away? I’m positive I could survive financially long enough to find other work.

What has happened to my courage?

I need to figure out how to get out of this regular thing where I get very down-in-the-dumps on Sunday evening.

I know it is because of how I feel about my job. How do I change my attitude about that completely?

And yea…. I know I tell Matt all the time that “it’s your attitude” but truly, how does one go about changing that?

How to know – for sure – that it is time to make a change?

Seems clear there’s no place for me anymore at work and yet I feel like I need another job before I make a change.

Although if I were willing to do it – I could get my pension in a lump sum and take my time looking for the right opportunity.

I don’t want to go through crying on Sunday nights again…..

I think I need some quiet time to reflect…..

How I wish I could do something that feeds my Spirit….

“Our relationships are merely just a balance of give and take. The ideal balance is complete, meaning 50/50, but most of our relationships aren’t balanced. We’re either giving or taking too much. And in some cases, it’s a natural imbalance. A child is bound to take more from their parent than they can give back. A student will take more from their teacher than they can give – but it’s supposed to be that way.

{snip}

In most of our relationships, it’s a tug of war. Sometimes its 70/30, other times its 20/80. But the question is, how willing are we to let the imbalance persist? Are we consciously taking? Are we intentionally allowing someone to take from us?

We are way too quiet in this tug of war, because everything in our mind is relative (see last week’s tune up). We’ve made certain things acceptable and certain things unacceptable.

“I’m willing to take this kind of abuse from my boss but not from my coworker.”

“I’m really into this guy so I’ll take his condescension because I want the chance to be with him.”

So what’s really wrong with it, if eventually the abuse will result in reward?

Because we’re giving away our Light.

We’ll give our Light away and live in hell for 2 years for the chance of being happy in 5. I talk about this concept in more depth in the book “Spiritual Rules of Engagement”. But the long and short of the book and this week’s email is: We have to start taking control over our Light. We cannot allow other people or situations to make us happy, sad, fulfilled, or rejected.

Our energy needs to be independent of those people and things around us. Independence doesn’t mean we should live without parents, teachers, children friends or partners. In each of our relationships there will be one giver and one taker at any given moment. But in every moment, the roles of giver and taker have to change. There needs to be an effort to work towards that state of 50/50.

There are people in this world who go to work and their sole focus is to look good in front of their boss so they can get a promotion. Those people have given up their independence. When their boss gets fired, where is their Light? Gone. Where is their potential for growth? Gone. Out the door, with their boss, to whom they willingly gave over their Light.

You cannot base your success or goals on other people or situations. But you can be independent, own your energy, your Light, do whatever it takes in the position you’re in to get closer to the Light of the Creator, and care about other people. Everything else will fall into place.

Rav Ashlag, the greatest kabbalist of the last century, points out that we keep our physical house and possessions under lock and key, but our 99% possessions, our spiritual Light – we leave open, accessible and free for all to take. Its not necessarily a conscious decision – each time someone or something makes me happy or sad, I’m giving my Light away. No one and no thing should make me anything.

That’s not to say we should lock everyone out so no one can hurt us. We want to be independent, but not alone. Being independent means no one can hurt me. I have strength and I’m not afraid to be open with people and share with them. No matter what people do to me I will be ok. It may hurt, but it won’t scar because I own my Light.

This week, look for ways you’re giving your Light away. And look for ways you take from others’ Light. Be real. Be honest. And seek balance. It’s the month of Libra – let’s even out the scales.”

Each week I receive a “Weekly Kabbalah Tune Up” and without fail, the message is always pertinent to my life or the lives of those closest to me. This week’s message is worthy of documenting here.

Blessings always.

“If you are content with being nobody in particular, content not to stand out, you align yourself with the power of the universe. What looks like weakness to the ego is in fact the only true strength. This spiritual truth is diametrically opposed to the values of our contemporary culture and the way it conditions people to behave.”

Eckhart Tolle – pg 216 o “A New Earth – Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose”

PS – For my beloved ‘Born Again’ friends……..

This quote reflects what Jesus was trying to convey in the Sermon on the Mount – Matthew 5.

“We cannot know for certain how long we have here. We cannot foresee the trials or misfortunes that will test us along the way. We cannot know what God’s plan is for us.

What we can do is to live out our lives as best we can with purpose, and with love, and with joy. We can use each day to show those who are closest to us how much we care about them, and treat others with the kindness and respect that we wish for ourselves. We can learn from our mistakes and grow from our failures. And we can strive at all costs to make a better world, so that someday, if we are blessed with the chance to look back on our time here, we know that we spent it well; that we made a difference; that our fleeting presence had a lasting impact on the lives of others. “

President Barack Obama – Senator Edward M. Kennedy’s eulogy today

Growing up, I never had a room of my own. And oh my, how I longed for solitdude and a place I could call my own.

This song – “In My Room”, was the first time I had experienced the Source (aka God). This experience of God (aka Grace) began my lifelong journey toward Consciousness (aka God).

I was about 10 years old when “In My Room” sparked my Path.

Following this experience of my Beloved (aka God), I was blessed to spend lots of time at the ocean – it was at the ocean that I experienced Grace again – but in a much more profound and deep way. With the ocean waves and the star-filled sky, I came face-to-face with I Am (aka God).