Whether it is by what someone says, or by how they treat me.

It is very freeing to no longer pretend someone is my fantasy person, rather than who they really are.

Caring for fantasy people is never healthy and always feels like this.

78582788-McCain-2008-Oppo-File

I don’t believe in coincidence; never have. After a pretty chaotic and less-than-fulfilling visit with Matt recently during my hip surgery, I received an invitation to this e-course offered by a spiritual teacher I greatly admire – Rabbi Rami Shapiro. Being a panentheist, (Pan means “all,” en means “in” and theos means “God”), means I believe God embraces and transcends all reality. I see Spirit in everything, and I do mean everything; regardless of whether I perceive it as “good or bad”.

Control is one of my many issues. I have a little wall hanging here in the downstairs bathroom that says

“Do not feel totally, personally, irrevocably responsible for everything. That’s my job. Love God.”

I bought it many, many years ago while I was exploring my spiritual path with Claudia. It is a permanent reminder for me of what always having to be in control does to our Spirit.

In any event, given the ‘perfect spiritual storm’ of Matt’s visit and the invitation to explore control issues through this e-course, here’s a snippet of what resonated deeply for me in today’s lesson from Beyond Recovery: The Twelve Steps as Spiritual Practice

Control is the real addiction, the deeper craving. Drinking, drugging, compulsive gambling, over eating, etc., are only symptoms of this hunger for control. They mask the real craving that Twelve Step spirituality really cures…

{snip}

What does it mean to play God? It means to control life. But life cannot be controlled; not your life or my life or anyone’s life. Life can only be lived.

To control life you would have to be outside of it. But you can’t get outside of life. Trying to control life without getting outside of it is like trying to bite your own teeth or hear your own ears. Can’t be done. Life happens and you happen with it. No control, sorry. What you can do is learn to navigate life wisely with compassion, and Twelve Step spirituality will show you how to do that, but control? No way.

{snip}

Twelve Step spirituality is all about liberating you from playing God. And when you are free from playing God you are free to let God play you. This is true of all genuine spiritual systems, even those that use some other word than “God.”

{snip}

……the only way to reveal the Truth is to have the ego pursue the opposite of Truth until the point of exhaustion.

I’m going to embrace my own exhaustion and continue exploring my Truth.

January 4, 2012

Here are the things that resonated most deeply with today’s lesson.

Being powerless is only a problem if you think you ought to be powerful. Not being in control is a problem only if you think you ought to be in control.

And this:

Elohai neshamah sh’natatabi t’hora he
My God, the soul you place with me is pure.

I’m using the above prayer when I meditate with my amethyst prayer beads.

Here is how the Hebrew is pronounced:

My God, the soul you place within me is pure. And because it is pure I am free to live today differently than yesterday. Because it is free, I am free to live today without the burden of past habits, past fears, past mistakes, and past failures. I am free to look at my past without repeating it; to examine it for lessons to be learned and amends to be made; and to draw from it what guidance I can to live today differently. My God, may I use today’s gift of freedom to further my capacity to serve You by serving Your creation with justice, compassion, and humility.

The soul, neshamah in Hebrew, refers to that dimension of yourself that is pure and free from conditioning. It is not the ego, but that part of you that is aware of the Greater Reality of which you are a part. This neshamah isn’t addicted to control, to playing God, or to anything else. This neshamah doesn’t play God because it knows it is God — just not all of God. The neshamah is the wave’s awareness that it is the ocean, or, better, that the ocean is it.

You are God, or if you prefer, God is you.

January 5, 2012

Surrender………….

Early after my surgery I found myself mourning the loss of the ‘old me’. A lack of control of everything that was happening sent me into the depths of depression. As I surrendered to letting the ‘old me’ go, the depression lifted.

I now find myself excited about the ‘new me’ and my ‘new normal’.

Surrendering to Life has its advantage.

January 6, 2012

Step 3 of the 12 can be paraphrased to say We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God.

In my own spiritual journey, I can trace the development of my spirituality quite clearly. As I intellectually matured, I began to question the whole idea of God and I especially detested the idea that there is “one true religion” or path to God as espoused by so many Christian denominations. Spiritual chaos ensued within me and it wasn’t until I connected with God directly that it became clear.

I went on a silent retreat at a Roman Catholic monastery one summer while my sons were visiting their dad in Texas. After being reminded that I wasn’t welcome at Communion via a sign in their church, I lashed out at God. I was stomping through the gardens literally raging at the injustice of it all when a voice as clear as my own said “that’s why I need you”. I broke down in tears and decided that I was going to pursue my own spiritual path. I would go wherever Spirit led.

Here’s what resonated most deeply in today’s lesson:

Any idea you have about God is simply your idea of God. It isn’t God. This is why every theological system is self-serving and self-validating. Can you imagine God in the Hebrew Bible NOT choosing the Jews and giving them the Land of Israel? Can you imagine a Gospel in the New Testament that reveals Mary Magdalene rather than Jesus as the Christ? Can you imagine Gabriel telling Mohammad in the Qur’an that Allah isn’t God? Of course not. Each system supports itself. Every religion affirms the god of its own understanding, the god of its own imagining, which is why every god prefers the religion that imagines it over those that don’t.

So much turmoil in the world can be traced back to conflict between religions. It’s mind boggling to me how we are so stuck in this.

It is why I can’t bring myself to affiliate with any particular church or institutional religion – and yet I long for a community of like-minded individuals to share this journey.

So many Life Lessons.

January 7, 2012

How to be authentic and free while exploring your spiritual path has been a theme for me since I can remember. It is natural to want to hang out with like minded individuals but that seems so dull. I want and need to be challenged – it’s what fuels my intellectual and spiritual curiosity.

One of the most ethical and just individuals I’ve come to know is an atheist – and I deeply admire him. He challenges me in every way and I’m a better person (and my spiritual path has deepened) for having him in my life.

Reading through the practice circle entries for my e-course has been so very eye opening for me. I admit that initially I thought I wouldn’t be very interested in the whole “practice circle” approach but in my surrender to the process I have been very pleasantly surprised.

From Rabbi Rami’s practice circle sharing today:

If a spiritual path is authentic, and I believe 12 Step spirituality is just that, it must free you from itself as well. Any system that keeps you in the system is just offering another addiction in exchange for the one you wish to drop. Granted some addictions may be more benign than others, but living without addiction is better still. Once you are free from all systems you are free to adopt any system that works for you. Or more than one.

More than one indeed. While my spiritual history is within Christianity, I’ve always felt I’d make a terrific Buddhist. Of course, Kabbalah has also been an intriguing chapter on my path. Recently, exploring Rosicrucianism has been spiritually fulfilling as well.

January 12, 2012

Our lives reflect each and every choice we’ve made, whether we want to acknowledge that or not.

Thus, I have difficulty embracing an “impersonal reality”. I am willing to own all of my own choices and thus I accept my life as it is. Could I have made different choices? Of course. But that’s not the point.

Life Lessons are mandatory, the learning is always optional.

What I’ve come to realize is that if we choose to ignore a Life Lesson, we are assured to have another opportunity – either in this life, or the next.

I just love God’s sense of humor.

Spiritual consciousness – e.g. that which allows us to be aware of the Life Lesson prior to our chosen response – is something that develops as one matures along their chosen spiritual path. Life Lessons are easily identified in hind sight – alternative choices as well. But oh to be so spiritually aware of the Life Lesson in the moment – that is my goal.

Self-awareness is the key. I’ve become pretty good at identifying Life Lessons in retrospect; not so good at seeing them in the moment.

I suppose that is a good first step.

January 18, 2012

Growing up in a schizophrenic-Christian environment, I’m somewhat amazed that I found my spiritual path at all. As an infant, my father had to sneak me out of the house to be baptized at the St. Ignatius Catholic Church. Then at eight when they divorced, my mom’s family got the Mormons to take us to the Mormon church every Sunday. Then Mom wised up (a bit at least) and sent us to a generic Christian church.

Whew………….

But I found God in the ocean and in the sky. My Soul deeply connected to I AM in mystical and profound ways.

Of course, at sixteen I became ‘born again’ and ostracized everyone within 50 yards because of my zealousness.

Running away from home, betrayal by those I loved, led me deeper into my own spiritual journey.

Contemplating seminary and becoming an Episcopal priest led me into spiritual direction with Claudia for ten years and my spiritual journey deepened.

This is what resonated with me in today’s lesson.

We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

If Step Seven did its job you are pretty much done with god as you understand God. It turns out that your Higher Power is just your ego pretending to be God. All that work turning your will and your life over to something that you invented just proved to be so much self-delusion. But don’t think this was a waste of time. On the contrary, it was the best use of your time.

The Twelve Steps are not arbitrary. They are a well-designed system for spiritual awakening. “It works if you work it.” Most of us don’t work it. Most of us expect the Steps to work by themselves, and to leave us pretty much in tack. But that isn’t spiritual practice. Spiritual practice crucifies you before it resurrects you.

January 24, 2012

We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.

What? Back to God again? And still the god of our understanding? Have we learned nothing?

{snip}

In all of my spiritual meandering, I’ve learned at least one thing that is consistent in each spiritual tradition – the importance of meditation/prayer/centering.

Today’s lesson is very, very familiar – and resonated deeply.

Sit comfortably in a chair. Close your eyes if you like, but if you do you will have to have a friend read these instructions to you. Or you may want to record them and play them back when you are sitting.

As you sit in the chair, notice you are sitting in the chair. Notice the weight of your body, how it feels in the chair, where your arms rest, and how your back and neck feel. Now notice that the one who is noticing the body isn’t the body. The one who is aware of your body in the chair isn’t itself in the chair. It isn’t anywhere, for everywhere you look it is aware of you looking there, and so must be somewhere else. This awareness of the body is you. You have a body, but you are not limited to that body.

Now become aware of your thoughts and feelings. See how they rise and fall in your awareness. You may be feeling angry or calm, you may be thinking this exercise is interesting or stupid, but whatever you are feeling and thinking, the you that is aware of these feelings and thoughts isn’t those feelings and thoughts. This “you” may be aware of anger, but it isn’t angry. This “you” may be aware of annoyance, but it isn’t annoyed. This awareness is the greater you; the free you; the you that isn’t playing God. You have a mind, but you are not limited to that mind.

Now notice that when you notice this noticing there is an awareness that is noticing it and hence not the object of noticing at all. A “you” behind the you that notices; a God behind the god of your understanding. Whenever you make noticing an object of awareness, notice that there is a greater field of awareness embracing it all. This is the real you, the unconditioned and unconditional you.

This you isn’t Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Sikh, Baha’i, atheist, agnostic, Republican, Democrat, Independent, Libertarian, male, female, gay, straight, bi-sexual, transgendered, or anything else. It isn’t even you as you understand you. In fact you can’t even say what it is or isn’t, because it cannot be made into an object at all. It is eternal subject. It has no chosen people, it saves and damns no one, it respects no nation or tribe or land over any other. It simply sees. It neither births nor dies. It just . . . well we can’t say. This isn’t the god of your understanding, it is simply God. And it is you.

It’s been 9 days since surgery and I’ve decided to log my progress.

I confess to being very depressed the last few days – am not sure why – it’s just the way it is right now.

I need to be more disciplined about doing my post op exercises so that is my goal now. Post-op exercises AT LEAST two times per day, preferably three if possible.

In addition, I’m going to do laps around the lower level of the house. I did five today and hope to increase that to 10 within the next two weeks.

I’ll be tracking it all here – just for future reference.

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December 29, 2011

I discovered Bonessmart and joined the patient forum. What a wonderful group of people who have/are sharing a similar journey!

16 stitches removed today. Exhausted by trip to Seattle to see doctor, then lunch with Matt. Matt was very cold and distant – which really hurt. He’s here helping me out of a sense of obligation rather than genuine love. It’s so very sad what has happened to our relationship.

We stopped at the store and I got a bath mat for my tub and handle support for the tub. Now I think I pretty much have everything I need now to really begin figuring out my new ‘normal’.

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December 30, 2011

Had quite a bit of weepiness and general pity party type of stuff going on yesterday. Matt is leaving and it’s so hard to accept that he is no longer part of our daily lives. I miss the relationship I had with him so very much. And here I go crying again……

Geeze…….. sometimes I think someone needs to just shoot me and put me out of my misery.

Sitting in my chair, realizing how much I’m responsible for with this house and everything………. it’s overwhelming because I can’t do anything now. I can barely get myself showered and dressed for crying out loud.

I need to get out of this space somehow.

UPDATE – Dec 30th early evening. Clawing my way out of the emotional darkness, I realize I have to somehow get control over everything I’m feeling. Matt and I clearly have a lot of emotional work to do to get across the emotional chasm we have between us. Good news! He’s agreed to a monthly Skype conversation beginning in February!

The other update is I was able to shower today – all by myself. Matt installed a shower grab bar which allowed me to get in and out of the tub/shower myself. I didn’t even have to use the sit down chair! (small victories are so my goal right now).

Also, I scheduled my first PT visit for next Thursday and may be picking up a recumbent exercise bike this weekend. In the Bonessmart forum I joined, I saw quite a few hip replacement patients who really benefited from regular recumbent bike exercise.

I’m determined to come through this and learn whatever damn Life Lessons I’m supposed to. But at this point, it will be cold day in hell before I have the other one done (and yes, the doc says it will need it too).

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December 31, 2011

Because my OS has said I have ‘no restrictions’, there’s a huge part of me that feels I should be doing more. I am trying to remind myself that my body has been through MAJOR surgery and I still need to take care of me for a while. Which means lots of rest and naps.

I have been able to shower without assistance – standing up too – so that felt good. Still longing for a nice hot bath though.

I also slept in my own bed last night (rather than the recliner downstairs). Was surprised to find it still to be a challenge for me – given I’m a side sleeper. Definitely can’t sleep on my right side at all yet but was able to lay for about 30 minutes on my left side with a knee pillow.

I found that really the only way I was comfortable enough to sleep for an extended period was to put a pillow under my right knee so that it was slightly elevated. All of this is sure progress from the first night home trying to sleep in the bed and /FAILING miserably.

Took about a 100 yard stroll down my driveway and to the round-a-bout and back. Noticed a little bit of a ‘click’ kind of feeling in my new joint but not with every time – just when I noticed I wasn’t walking as tall as I could have. Used a cane on one side and my youngest son’s arm on the other, primarily for balance until I get confidence in this brand spanking new hip.

We then went for our usual Saturday errand running and it felt good just to get out of the house and do something ‘normal’. I did drive (which made Ryan a bit nervous) but it was easy peasy.

All and all I’m making good progress so far.

Hoping with starting physical therapy next week, things will really start falling into their new ‘normal’.

PS – It’s New Year’s Eve and clearly I’m not going dancing sooooo…………..

I’m splurging on some good Thai food (which Ryan is picking up for me) and watching CNN.

May all reading this find health, peace and happiness in 2012!!!

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January 1, 2012

I’ve gone and done a bad thing today; I really should NOT be doing housework of any kind and just resting and walking around the house occasionally. Yet, because I’ve felt so much better I couldn’t resist cleaning the family room (now officially occupied by our Pug family members) as well as doing some laundry and the dishes. My incision area ached all day and I have some swelling around it – for the very first time since my surgery.

I’ve got a nice ice pack going with my legs up now and Ryan says he will finish the laundry.

I guess this is to be expected; two steps forward and three steps back seems to be the story of my life when faced with having to nurture myself and rest.

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January 2, 2012

For the first time since surgery, I woke up this morning and noticed that I felt 100% better than I use to feel upon awakening pre-surgery!! The stiffness and pain that I had grown so accustomed to was gone!!

And while I’m not really dancing, it’s clear that I’m solidly on the recovery road to a better life! And that’s why I did this.

I also started my spiritual e-course today. You can read more about that here if you’re interested.

Spent most of the day reading, relaxing and digging deeply into my spiritual journey. Trying hard not to do what I did yesterday.

Energy and stamina is still very low. Working hard to build up my strength by allowing proper healing to occur.

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January 3, 2012
Well…. another milestone for me today.

With my incision fully healed, I ran a nice hot bath and soaked all my cares away! I have a nice, deep tub which leaves me quite buoyant so getting out was easy peezy.

And my new temporary housekeeper starts tomorrow.

And when my mechanic shop heard about my surgery, they are picking up my car for service and returning it to me to save me the trip.

Feeling quite accomplished at the moment. Am still taking it very easy as I know I’m prone to overdue things. The bath itself was quite exhausting (probably because I was fretting about it so much!) so I’m going to take a nap and watch a little television.

After a brief rest, I went for a walk today too. By myself and no cane or anything. Went a little further than before but was pretty darn tired when I got back.

I also got my first disability check today so I drove to the credit union ATM and then stopped by the store to get a new mop. And darned if I didn’t need to use the electronic shopping cart.

Never, ever did I imagine using one of those. I now have so much empathy for anyone who does.

Slowly but surely, I’m healing.

Found out that I run out of EIB (extended illness bank) and PTO (paid time off) the week of the 16th so it’s back to work for me part time beginning that week. I can’t afford to live on the 60% of my salary that my short term disability coverage provides. Hopefully my stamina will have returned by then.

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January 4, 2012

No real big milestones today; rained pretty much all day. The car did get to the shop and at first they couldn’t find Matt’s Angel of Dreams medallion. After a bit more looking, they located it. Whew….. I’m so relieved they found it for him – I know it means a lot to him.

I started to go see a movie but when I got there, they had technical difficulties and cancelled the showing. Took that to be a direct message from On High that I had no business being out and about like that soooooo……. I came home.

My appetite is back – that’s a double edged sword.

Physical therapy starts tomorrow; am excited about seeing how that goes.

Sleeping is still hit and miss. Can’t sleep for very long on my side and that’s how I like to sleep. I’m sure that will get better over time.

Very blessed to participate in Beyond Recovery: The 12 Steps As Spiritual Practice Am tracking what resonates with that here.

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January 5, 2012, 12:45 AM

Early AM on the 5th and I’m gripped with insomnia. I read somewhere that going off pain medication can cause that so I’m wondering if I’m not doing myself any favors by not taking my pain meds? While I can definitely say I’m not pain free, I just don’t feel right taking the pain meds the way they are prescribed if the pain is tolerable? I do have a high threshold for pain which I think is not helping me right now.

I NEED SLEEP

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January 5, 2012, 4:00 PM

Took two pain pills and finally fell asleep about 2 AM. Physical therapy went well. Right gluteous muscles are very weak and I learned some exercises to help strengthen those. I also might have an irritated tendon in my right groin. The fun never ends.

Saw a movie (“Girl With The Dragon Tattoo”) after physical therapy and then shipped a box off to Matt.

I’m exhausted.

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January 6, 2012, 4:00 PM

Ryan has today off so we decided to make it a movie marathon day. We had lunch at Johnny Rockets. My mechanic – Central Avenue Automotive – gave me a gift certificate for Regal so we decided to see Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol and Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows. Both were pretty good.

I came home and took a nice hot bath. All in all it was a really nice day, especially nice to see movies with Ryan again.

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January 7, 2012, 4:00 PM

No real milestones today although I did sleep until 10:30 AM with closing my window blinds and bathroom door (that prevents the daylight from streaming in and is what I ‘normally’ do on the weekends).

Ryan and I installed the replacement printer but I still have to set up the wireless printing connection. Stamina is better than a week ago but no where near normal.

New dog gate arrived but will have to wait until tomorrow to install.

Fell asleep in recliner with head leaning on bent arm; ugh……… arm felt stiff and tingly as if it had fallen asleep itself.

Going to bed early tonight so I can try and catch up on the missed sleep from the nights of insomnia last week.

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January 8, 2012, 4:00 PM

New dog gate installed – with Ryan’s patient help. Much easier for me to get down to the family/laundry/downstairs bath rooms.

Still very, very tired. Taking a hot bath and going to bed early tonight. One more week of rest before I have to return to work.

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January 10, 2012, 4:00 PM

Am in the fourth week post surgery and for some reason I’m struggling a bit.

I know I should be walking more but I find it difficult to get going.

Not sure what this is all about.

Today I need to deposit my second disability check and get a birthday card for my sister.

I also hate my hair color so I may have to fix that before returning to work.

Trying hard not to be a burden to anyone.

UPDATE 8:15 PM – I am having quite a bit of pain in my right groin area. Appears I may have Iliopsoas Tendinitis which occurs relatively often following hip surgery from what I understand. I think getting in and out of my BMW makes it worse so no more driving that car for me for a while.

Got a refill on my pain meds yesterday so at least I can get some relief.

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January 11, 2012, 4:00 PM

With the pain in my groin dissipating, I made a point of taking it very easy today. Only did a few stretches to be sure I don’t continue to aggravate it.

Mentally preparing to go back to work – part time (and from home) next Monday.

All in all I think I’m doing quite well.

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January 12, 2012, 4:00 PM

Three weeks and three days post surgery and I styled my hair for the first time after washing it. Previously I have just washed it and let it dry naturally curly – which isn’t my best look for sure. I also took the time to put on makeup for the first time as well. Amazing how much better I feel.

Went to Covington to send my sister’s package with all of my Dad’s photos digitized. Sent a note to an old friend I found online – am hoping it’s the right old friend! LOL

Sun is out so I went for a walk today; walking further than I have before. Trying to gradually build up my stamina as well as my leg and hip muscles. Am hoping I don’t aggravate my iliopsoas tendinitis.

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January 13, 2012

Groin pain seems to be subsiding. Trying to avoid movements that cause my right leg muscles to feel strained as that seems to cause it to flare up.

Couldn’t fall asleep so I ended up channel surfing until 3 AM. ugh………….

I’ve never, ever had a problem sleeping but for whatever reason, find myself lying in bed, flipping through tv channels trying to get to sleep. Last night I finally slipped off around 3 AM.

What’s so scary to me about it is I simply can’t function without a minimum of six hours sleep and I’m suppose to start back to work on Tuesday. Yes, it is only four hours a day and I’ll be working from home the first week, but I really need to figure out this insomnia issue so I can function.

I’m thinking it’s because I’m just lying/sitting around most of the time trying to allow my body to heal. I’m use to working myself to near exhaustion with either work related projects or house maintenance/improvement projects. Wish I could say I’m an exercise fanatic of some sort but the truth is, the only exercise I’ve ever enjoyed is riding my bike and that’s just not possible now until I have more confidence in my new hip and the weather improves.

Patience has never been a strong point for me, and it’s what I need most now.

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January 16, 2012

Four weeks ago today I had my hip surgery. Start back to work part time from home tomorrow. Then easing my way back to full time in the office by Jan 30th. Not because I’m ready, but because I don’t have any more sick/vacation time and I can’t live on 60% of my salary and keep my house.

Sleeping is kind of a hit and miss experience. Some nights I sleep fine; other nights I really struggle to get to sleep.

My hip is sore but tolerable. I’m counting on getting better despite having to go back to work.

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January 17, 2012

First, today is my sister’s birthday – Happy Birthday Regina!

It is also my first official day back to work. Even though I’m working part time and from home, I was pretty much exhausted after my first hour long meeting. Of course, it was with my wonderful staff member who took over many of my responsibilities in my absence so it was filled with all of the usual political challenges but whew……..

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January 17, 18 & 19, 2012

Two days of ER visits; two shoulders dislocated and one seizure for my beloved Ryan. Stress is a major trigger for him and it’s been pretty darn stressful for him at work and then the power failure. I’m sure that’s what caused his seizure. He’s been three months seizure free so we were both pretty disappointed. The orthopedic surgeon won’t fix his shoulders until he’s six months seizure free.

Snow and freezing rain has caused significant chaos. My front yard tree has been pulled up by the roots and is listing something awful. Don’t think it will survive this.

Power out at house this morning (which means no heat); am grateful it was back on when we got home and the heater was going.

Main highway to ER closed completely; took 2 hours to get home from ER today.

I’m effing exhausted.

And Ryan is the bravest Soul I have ever known. He has taught me so much about courage and compassion.

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January 22, 2012

After what truly was a week from hell, Ryan and I were able to get away and see a movie and have lunch at Johnny Rockets. It is something we use to do quite frequently and I’ve missed it so much. It’s one more step on my path to my ‘new normal’.

I neglected to take my meds yesterday and today my iliopsoas tendinitis is flaring up something awful. There’s a lot to be said about being diligent about taking medication – and I’m paying the price today.

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January 23, 2012

Back to the office for the first time tomorrow. I’m driving in (rather than taking the train) primarily because I have quite a bit of work things to take in and, just to give myself every opportunity to ease my way back into the commuter rhythm.

My iliopsoas tendinitis has eased quite a bit which is a good thing.

I will be taking one crutch with me because I tend to limp when I get tired and I have no doubt I’ll be pretty tired after a few hours.

The good news is there have been a few moments in the last two days where I didn’t notice and didn’t think about my hip. I think this is a very good sign.

Saying a prayer for a successful return to work day tomorrow!

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January 24, 2012

First day back in the office. I drove in and took one crutch with me. I made it until 4:00 PM before I was totally exhausted.

It was good to get back though. I have such a great team of people. We had our regular team meeting this afternoon and they gave me a nice card and plant.

Looking forward to working from home tomorrow though.

With that, I’m going to take a nice hot bath and go to bed.

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January 25, 2012

Let’s see, one full day in the office and 1.5 weeks working from home – and I’m ready to get my other hip replaced.

Corporate dysfunction makes me wonder why I am doing what I’m doing. I know everything happens for a reason – including my taking this job a little over a year ago (with a pay cut no less) but it’s incredibly hard to see exactly why – at least at this moment.

Tomorrow is day two in the office and I know I need to keep calm and maintain my focus. I’m taking my amethyst mala beads with me.

I’m sure I’ll need them for a few moments throughout the day.

Facing my total and complete separation from all – including my own physical capacity – has brought on a depression I didn’t expect.

Letting go of the expectations one has of how those who say they care should show it is very, very hard.

The pain has increased significantly and I’m so very grateful to have surgery as an option. I’ve always been so independent and active.

I know when ever Life Lessons are ignored, they always come back around in some shape or form.

My stubborn independence and difficulty being vulnerable is fueling this particular repeat Life Lesson. My facade of bravery is just that, a facade. I’m painfully aware that much of my anxiety stems from fear; fear of being totally and completely dependent on others. Such a hard lesson for me that keeps coming back time and time again.

Today is the 4th Sunday of Advent; I love Advent.

This year, Matt is attending a Christmas party and my dear Ryan just finds it hard to engage in this family ritual when it’s just the two of us.

Alas the cycle of Life.

Here’s our beautiful Advent wreath with presents and tree in the background. I tried to get as much done as I could before going to the hospital tomorrow. Still have one gift on it’s way but generally, Christmas 2011 is ready for us.

I’m so use to being physically able to do pretty much anything I wanted, it’s been really hard to be so limited and in constant pain.

Say a prayer and light a candle for me please.

Speaking of candles, here’s our Advent wreath this year. I so love Advent.

And Matt comes home late tonight – he’s staying in the hospital with me and will be here through the end of the month. *happy smiling face*

Read from the bottom up. When you shake your head in dismay at the imploding chaos of our world – look in the mirror.

Here he’s patiently waiting for the wild blue bird.

Here’s a pic with a wild blue bird sitting, eating out of his hand. Look at the smile on his beautiful face!