EQII and Spiritual Growth - My own hubris

I came into EQII because I cared deeply for someone. I thought it would be a complete waste of time but I wanted to be close to him so I did it.

*slaps forehead*

For me, wanting to be close to someone has always been that “street with the deep holes” described in my previous post. If I had to describe where I am on my spiritual path, I would say I am as metaphorically illustrated in Chapter 3

Chapter Three

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in - it’s a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

You see, I wanted an opportunity to spend time and know more about this person so doing something he was interested in seemed OK. And I’m sure most of you would not see anything wrong in that. I have to be honest and say I still don’t.

What I failed to see was the ‘deep hole’ that in my heart of hearts, I knew was there.

That ‘deep hole’ in this situation manifests as an inability to see how one’s Ego will drive decisions if hubris has been adopted instead of humility.

I am as guilty of this as the individual I cared for. And what does all of this have to do with EQII?

EQII seems to fuel an unhealthy Ego-centered existence.

EQII creates INSTANT “friends” - especially for those who can’t see the difference between ‘friend’ and ‘acquaintance’.

The man I cared so deeply for has been playing EQII a very long time. There is a feature that allows you to name your pet and when I joined EQII, I saw he had named his pet after me. Needless to say I felt it was a sign of our deep caring of one another and our mutual friendship. And my hubris was fueled - again. I truly thought I was “special”.

When we broke out of the original guild and he formed his own brand new guild, he immediately named his pet after another woman he had become “friends” with in the course of recruiting for his new guild. When I expressed my hurt, he renamed his pet after me and said that in the EQII world, that’s how things are done. Of course he followed it up with that I was his only out-of-game friend but I sincerely doubt that.

*shrugs*

A few days later I saw he had changed his pet’s name again to this new ‘friend’ of his and well…. the hurt I felt can’t be described in words. And it wasn’t because he had a new ‘friend’ - it was because even after expressing how I felt - he did it anyway.

Obviously my own hubris needed to be taken down - AGAIN. I wanted so much to be someone “special” to him - for many reasons. You see, I truly thought we were authentic friends, not acquaintances. Obviously what I value and treasure in a friend was definitely not shared.

EDIT - click here to read an update

Then it dawned on me as I reflected back that the man I cared for made quite a habit of saying one thing and then doing another. I suppose we all act like that from time to time but when I wanted to talk with him about this he began lashing out at me - as if I had somehow done something wrong.

I’ve been forced to become painfully aware of my own inflated ego more often than I care to admit. During the last couple of years I was part of the “in” crowd in a couple of different forum communities - not because I really wanted to be there but because I made friends (or so I thought) with the rest of the “in crowd” and there I was. I became filled with self-importance and in at least one of the forums, took great pride in verbally castrating anyone I felt was not living up to the community’s standards. I could be counted on to tear down anyone who tried to express a view point contrary to the local school of thought. I did everything I could to endear myself to my ‘partners’ in this drama by doing research, paying for access to various databases we needed etc. I told myself I was helping the “team” - what I was really doing was trying to win the authentic friendship of my ‘partners’. Obviously things broke down and I couldn’t compromise who I am to serve their needs any longer and I left - heartbroken and disillusioned.

What I failed to see in all of this is that true friends do not have to be ‘won’. I also failed to see how my own hubris had been fueled by the experience.

I have long ago accepted that I have many, many more acquaintances than true friends. I will never pretend a friendship exists when it clearly does not.

I hope I can someday move to the next Chapter in this wonderful spiritual path I’m on. That is - avoid the street with the deep holes to begin with.